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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Rants And Ravings

Well helloooo again... back for more rants & ravings! You know, after all tat has happened in my life,this year, I set out to be a better person... especially in terms of temper & mood swings. In a nutshell, I just decided to be Nice,Honest,Kind & Patient as best as I possibly can and if I have to say so myself.. I'm doing pretty well except when I'm driving of course.. LOL. & I also set out to be more open, more expressive of my feelings & my appreciation for others rather than being tight lipped & egoistic with compliments.Trust me when I say I suck at giving due credits & giving compliments but then considering I also suck at receiving compliments then I suppose it's fair.. Haha.( yeah right! ;p)  I'm the type of person tat has high expectations of myself & of others.. and usually people come out short, myself included. Which makes giving compliments tough. On top of that, I don't like to flatter or "kipas".. Urghhhh allergic and tat's why I hardly compliment.. to not be mistaken as I'm "kipasing' someone. But hard as it is.. I push myself and to make it easier, I use logical thinking. My logical thinking says tat it's okay to compliment someone if  it's the truth & I'm sincere about it. So if it's sincere and it's the truth therefore I'm just stating facts! There.. problem solved! But mind you.. if it's the truth but I hate your guts or I just don't feel like it which means I'm not sincere then better not hold your breath!!! No matter how good or how gorgeous or how anything! Hey I'm not perfect & I don't claim to be but at least I'm trying to change! So there.. ;p

I bet you're wondering where all this raving & self confession is leading to.. eh! Well, I'm on a quest of self discovery & self awareness which hopefully will lead to self medication.. Hahaha. Don't get me wrong k! LOL. Anyway...All this ranting is actually me trying to force myself to open up, face the facts, face whatever issues/ shadows or demon tat I keep bottled up inside. To do that, I figure the first step is for me to know myself, to admit to my faults & blemish, my weaknesses. To come clean with myself. I'm trying to heal myself by opening up & by being aware of who I am, what I am. Trying to make peace with myself so to say.. Well the saying goes, if u want to achieve a goal then u have to put pen to paper.. well figuratively speaking tat's what I'm trying to do. Well...Fingers crossed or the term my friend wants me to use.."open palm". or better still.. InsyaAllah which means with God's Willing.

Hey, you wanna know what set all this sudden rants & ravings off! Why suddenly the missing landlord of this blog is back again.. ranting & raving... Well let's not minced word here k.. about a week back, I did something which is STUPID, FREAKY & actually weird out someone! Because of that stupid action of mine that cost me a friend that I like & respected by the way, I was told that I need counselling. I have underlying issues that I need to resolve. Well since I'm broke, no money for counselling so I'll just counsel myself here then.. Let's hope I don't weird out & lose anymore friends doing this and hopefully I can slowly but surely resolve any issues that I have so that I no longer am the pathetic, sad self that I seem to be portraying right now. Another thing that I learn from this recent event is how important proper communication is but one very important lesson that I seem to keep neglecting to understand is that I really do need to stop having any expectations and make any assumptions. I shouldn't assume or be so naive as to expect that other people think, act & feel the same way that I do. 

My Kryptonite is when it comes to friendship..  to those that I feel that I can click, I'm comfortable and I really like, respect & admire & I consider as a friend then I start to care, start to love, to trust & to be loyal. Personally, to me you're a friend, not a new friend but a friend that even though we're in the getting to know stage but I treat, care & love as I do old ones..and my BIG MISTAKE is I assume it's vice versa. Truthfully this mistake usually cost me a knife in the back but this time round it's different, it cost me the friendship itself! My assumption about the importance of the friendship or perhaps even the definition of it or perhaps the lack of classification on my part about new, good friend or best friend has weird out & scared away a person whom I consider a friend. I'm still reeling from it.. don't know what happen that made it go so wrong. I abhor conflict, usually I avoid, ignore or run away. So for something like this to happen & to have the whole thing suddenly explode in my face, Wow! I'm stupefied. Plus now, having to deal with the awkwardness that the situation entails... Damn I'm really at a loss!!! How I wish I'm on a Quest on a very far away land right now! Fighting real dragons instead... :'(

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