WoW.. it's been a looooooong while since my last entry... as I clear away the cob webs... my return here is for no other reason than to vent.. My last entry if I can recall, I was in a depression and trying to rise from it thru my jaunts at the theater watching Agent Nora, not once but 7 times... just to distract me & pull me out from depression. It worked! I manage to channel the aura & positivity from the casts & play to me.. Came out with a project, a purpose at the end of it.. a new beginning. Short lived joy as always.. but I manage to salvage & trod on. But I'd be a fool not to admit that my last fall from grace tat put me in the depression was a lethal blow.. winded me. It is as the saying goes, the straw tat finally broke the camel's back. Brought me to my knees, I no longer have the will power to fight & tat's a killer! I was very tired.. I am very tired! But stubborn tat I am.. I stumbled on.. but problem is when your will is not there.. a slight tremor can send you reeling into the darkness.. into a feeling of hopelessness. In and out of the dark I slip.. & because I bottle up everything in me since the early days of my downfall..as I slip between the light & darkness, there are a lot of shadows lurking. And when I'm in the darkness, it feels like I'm being swallowed up and even in light I can feel it's presence tat seems to beckon me back into the darkness..
These shadows are none other than unresolved issues, hurts, betrayal, resentments, secrets, emotional turmoil tat I bottled up. Why do I do tat? Well for one because I'm tat type.. a hoarder, a keeper. I don't know how to express myself, I'm a good listener.. tat I can vouch. I need to be because when I listen when others do the talking and help them along then I don't have to talk. Human beings by nature love to talk about themselves and so I let them. But a good thing about a keeper or a hoarder, whatever I hear I keep it to myself. So secrets are safe with me. Personally,I feel that I have nothing much to share or nothing interesting to share even during times when I triumph and especially not during my downfall. Second is because of my ego, what I keep inside, some of it are things tat relates to my weakness or what I may perceive as my weakness. Thirdly is because I can't share, due to the nature of it, the sensitivity of it & tis particular shadow weights heavily.
Prior to now, I actually cocoon myself. No socialising, not much interaction with anyone aside from selected friends and of course u can't avoid family even if you want to.. but my Mum is a must have coz when I'm really down then she's my anchor. And then I decided to break away from the cocoon, especially when I decided to stubbornly stumble along on my new purpose in life. Coincidentally I ventured into new environments, new people with different back grounds, different mind set, a totally different take on life.. it was refreshing, it was inspiring & it was liberating.. I was a fish swimming in a different pond with a lot of beautiful, exotic & interesting fish. But mainly what touched me was how some of them, the new people tat I met are so genuine, so straight forward, so open with their feelings and so nice. It blew me away.. I was happy to just be able to tag along and absorb the differences, the uniqueness, the genuineness. Being with them actually made me wanna be a better person & a stronger person. But I do still slip into darkness, only that now I have something to cling on as I pull myself out of the darkness. A positive life force. And little by little, the hoarder in me.. wanted to open up, wanted to release some of the shadows especially the ones tat's weighing heavily.. could tis be the people tat will understand, tat will emphatise, tat will not judge. All I needed was to let the shadows out..I just wanted to be listen to for once.. tat's all. It wasn't easy to let secrets tat lie dormant all these while come out. It wasn't easy to open up at all. And all I wanted was a so called friend albeit a brand new friend but still hopefully a friend tat will listen openly without judgement. Didn't need anymore than tat. Being able to speak openly was already a relief. Being able to finally be me was a gift. That's all I want.. I wasn't looking to be counselled but I will appreciate any 2 cents worth of sharing or advise. By opening up, I've already check my ego at the door and by letting loose my shadows or should I say demons, at least some of it anyway.. I know that I have issues that I need to deal with. And to me, if I actually choose to open up to you then by god u have every right to say whatever tat is in your mind & just give it to me plain & simple. As blunt & as brutal as u want if u need to. Where I'm at now.. if I refuse to accept comments & instead be angry from a long overdue dose of honesty will only make me a bigger fool than I already am for bottling up things in the first place. And that's my honest to god take on the matter.
Unfortunately, recent events have shown tat Miscommunication & misinterpretation of statements can be lethal to new friends.Added together with doses of assumptions & god knows what else, Things can get ugly very fast. Best communication is always a face to face, chatting or writing things down doesn't make for a very good medium unless it's meant for humor or if u know the person well enough to gauge the respond & what the person is about. Otherwise.. even with good intention, honesty and openness can go very wrong. A simple sharing of thoughts can end with complicated screaming of thoughts. And it's a real tragedy if a friendship turns sour due to it when in truth, it was all a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation or simply put words & meaning tat got lost in the translation of two strangers that are newly friends. Call me weird or even pathetic if I plead & beg to right the wrongs & salvage the friendship but then some friendship is worth fighting for & unless my new found friend feels the same then it's totally out of my hands.. But then again, I should be well accustomed to short lived joy by now! Hmmm... shall I dust off my cocoon???? :'(
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