WoW.. it's been a looooooong while since my last entry... as I clear away the cob webs... my return here is for no other reason than to vent.. My last entry if I can recall, I was in a depression and trying to rise from it thru my jaunts at the theater watching Agent Nora, not once but 7 times... just to distract me & pull me out from depression. It worked! I manage to channel the aura & positivity from the casts & play to me.. Came out with a project, a purpose at the end of it.. a new beginning. Short lived joy as always.. but I manage to salvage & trod on. But I'd be a fool not to admit that my last fall from grace tat put me in the depression was a lethal blow.. winded me. It is as the saying goes, the straw tat finally broke the camel's back. Brought me to my knees, I no longer have the will power to fight & tat's a killer! I was very tired.. I am very tired! But stubborn tat I am.. I stumbled on.. but problem is when your will is not there.. a slight tremor can send you reeling into the darkness.. into a feeling of hopelessness. In and out of the dark I slip.. & because I bottle up everything in me since the early days of my downfall..as I slip between the light & darkness, there are a lot of shadows lurking. And when I'm in the darkness, it feels like I'm being swallowed up and even in light I can feel it's presence tat seems to beckon me back into the darkness..
These shadows are none other than unresolved issues, hurts, betrayal, resentments, secrets, emotional turmoil tat I bottled up. Why do I do tat? Well for one because I'm tat type.. a hoarder, a keeper. I don't know how to express myself, I'm a good listener.. tat I can vouch. I need to be because when I listen when others do the talking and help them along then I don't have to talk. Human beings by nature love to talk about themselves and so I let them. But a good thing about a keeper or a hoarder, whatever I hear I keep it to myself. So secrets are safe with me. Personally,I feel that I have nothing much to share or nothing interesting to share even during times when I triumph and especially not during my downfall. Second is because of my ego, what I keep inside, some of it are things tat relates to my weakness or what I may perceive as my weakness. Thirdly is because I can't share, due to the nature of it, the sensitivity of it & tis particular shadow weights heavily.
