Its 1.40am on an early Monday morning.. Feeling very restless, very anxious.. Why? well suppose to be heading back to KL on monday which technically means today.. so every time when it's time to go back, I will be feeling anxious about leaving my mum. This time, the feeling is more than usual.. I'm feeling anxious AND worried.. Must be because its flood time but I think especially because I can see tat mummy is not as strong as before.. hence the WORRY. It's been 12 days of bliss at home.. I think the longest tat I've been back for some time. Couldn't say tat I was much help around the house since being the youngest.. the expectation has always been for me to be lazy and sleep a lot.. so I do my part and live up to tat expectation!!! Ha ha ha.. wouldn't wanna disappoint esp. when my oldest sis is around, who seems to always expect and think the worst of me.. irregardless of what I do. SO... I suppose more out of spite and resentment than actual laziness.. I do exactly as expected! LOL.. but hey I'm not a total moron or hopeless daughter k.. esp. when i'm the only one left at home.. I may not help much in the kitchen but I do all the other stuff like throwing the garbage, trimming the trees (swollen fingers due to thorn as proof..), washing mom's car, turning the muddy driveway into a road rather than a mud slide and etc etc.. basically all the heavy lifting chores.. which i much prefer anyway..
But back to my anxiety.. I'm anxious and worried to leave my mum.. True but I can't stay here.. what can I do in KB..??! I know that everyone in the family would think tat I should stay longer or stay for good here since I'm not really doing anything solid in KL for now but for me.. at least in KL, there are options.. my life is a mess right now.. and I need to start creating some kind of structure from that mess. And I can only do that in KL. And I definitely need to start doing something NOW. Honestly if there is a life changing option in KB, I would take it but is there...? I wouldn't have considered it at all before but looking at my mum now.. I will grab it if there is.. but for now.. I can't see any.
So, definitely with heavy heart, I have to return to KL. Time to create order from chaos. I want to give the best of everything for mummy.. so I have to start focusing on doing that now..Time to FOCUS.. Insyaallah niat I untuk jaga mummy and give her all the best of everything will come true. In the meantime.. " Ya Allah, Panjangkan lah umur mummy, biarlah mummy sentiasa sihat walafiat dan jauhkan lah mummy dari segala bencana dan malapetaka. AMIN..."